I don't write much, OK I don't write at all. Not because I lack in anything more than the will and the desire needed to write. Honestly I have nothing of importance to say and no one to say it too. I am the biggest failure I know and have no desire for others to read about it. Here I sit at 40 years old, a wife, a bunch of kids, a dead end job and no prospect of a future beyond scraping out my continual existence. I used to have hopes and dreams, goals and some idea of a future. My life has become a continual cycle of rinse and repeat.
This has caused me to become a bit antisocial, both in person and online due to my psychological issues from past trauma. I understand that though done to me against my will, I am still responsible for working through it. I am most saddened that people have been and are being hurt by me during the process. Not a day goes by that I wish my mind worked properly, not saying "normal" because you can't define "normal". I just don't want to hurt people, but I'm not in a place where I can have relationships of any type. What's the most scary is that I don't know if or when I can. This isn't a cry for attention or help just expressing what I feel inside.
There's an old adage that says "God only helps those who help themselves." I really believe it's more along the lines of God helps those as much as they allow Him too. To be honest those of us who believe in a God usually don't trust God. We put on God our human insecurities of mistrust from our human relationships. It's either that or we just don't want to do it His way. Either way, for me, I have had to do things the hard way. I didn't get to go to intense inpatient therapy for my past abuse. I didn't get to go to rehab from my drug and alcohol abuse. I had to deal with everything while still trying to manage my way through life. It's been a long, hard, uphill challenge and it's felt very lonely. Not because I believe God hasn't helped me, I'd be a fool to not accept and give thanks for times I know He has. Rather I know that most of the time I have gone about it on my own or through my own way. So I won't say I've gotten to this point alone but I can say I could probably of gotten here a lot sooner had I accepted His help.
Thus, here we are in this continual cycle that never ceases. It doesn't matter how hard I work, doesn't matter how many meetings I attend. I know that at some point the cycle will play itself out, sort of like a bad trip. Things run the same course but always come back around.
Zona
