Tuesday, May 16, 2017

The Drug and alcohol disease Myth!!!

  Lets go through this logically, one I will assume you understand how the mind stores memories. I will also assume you understand how chemicals reward you in the brain. Basically I'm assuming you did your research on how the brain basically works. I assume you know what an actual disease is and how it effects the body. There are biological diseases and chemical imbalances no such thing as a psychological disease. Now a person does not get addicted to anything, they, overtime, learn to do something based on the reward (stimulus) the brain gives them. Touch the stove multiple times and get burned you learn not to touch it. You drink or do a drug and it makes you feel good and you want to keep doing it. You do it until it becomes habitual, your still not addicted you've just formed a habit or learned behavior.

 Now when the drugs or alcohol wear off you go through a withdraw, your body is jacked up from depleting certain vitamins and electrolytes from your system and you created chemical imbalances in your body. Oh snap your going through a withdraw, no, you have removed a toxin from your system and its now out of whack and it sucks and makes you sick. You don't like that feeling so your brain panics and demands to be normalized. So you have a choice, go through the withdraw, get your levels back up and get healthy or use again. Most people will either not like the feeling and quit never to use again or they will use again to not feel the symptoms. Either way they don't need the drugs or alcohol, if you stick them in an environment where they don't have access to their "doc" they will get clean. Their body will rebound and the mind will begin to clear up and rebound as well. Then you need to, with the help of a professional, work through the issues that caused you to use in the first place.

  Do I believe some people are to emotionally weak to do this alone, YES. That is why I still believe a rehab is needed. People need a safe place to escape their current environment and get clean and healthy. They then need to get the psychological help they need to find out why they were choosing to use and not use again. This is done with the responsibility placed on the shoulders of the person responsible. They are not victims, people don't go out and say I' m going to snort me a gram of AIDS. They do say I am going to drive to the LQ or meet the pusher man. Most people with disease wish they didn't have to take meds to get well. They don't rush to the pharmacy shitting themselves in anticipation of that next score. No people choose to get high for reasons that need to be explored and worked through. They are responsible for how they got there and they are responsible for stopping. So stop the lying to them and telling them they have a disease and are addicted when they choose to use.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Another Week

First off let me start by saying this isn't for attention. I want to be able to share my struggles in life openly. I find that when I bottle them up inside they just make things worse.
Saturday I ran the 5k at the Riverfront, some saw my live stream. I ran well and placed 3rd overall and 1st Masters runner (40+). I got to enjoy that for about 30 minutes, after Mandy finished we concluded the course was short, by at least .05. To a lot of people this wouldn't matter, but when you run by the numbers and you believed you had a PR, its a lot. So my friend Matt and I ran some numbers and concluded I probably needed to add 20 seconds to my finishing time. I also spoke with the officials who concluded we were correct. 5K ruined!
I then slept terrible Saturday night as I had a ton of stimulants in my system from the 5k. Yet we woke up and made our way to the Riverfront again so that Mandy and I could do the Half Marathon. I ran with Mandy and really enjoyed most of the run. Somewhere around mile 6-8 Mandy started to lose steam and a lot of people started passing us. I know that it was her first Half back, I do and we know we have communication issues. So I really began to struggle with being passed and couldn't encourage Mandy to move any faster. History has shown if I try to push her it just makes things worse. So for the next 4-5 miles I suffered silently as we made our way to the finish.
Afterwards we did a few things around the house before going to bed. As I laid in bed, I could just feel the stress from the weekend start to creep in. The realization that regardless of the weekend my week was coming to an end and I was just going to have to start another. I put on some sleep music and tried to get to bed. I woke up around 5:30 this morning and laid there, that is when the first overwhelming feelings of hopelessness hit me. Shortly after that the first suicidal thoughts began to surface. I contemplated calling out of work and stay in bed. I got up though, ate breakfast and got started on getting out the door. I made it to work and here I am writing this.

Monday, April 24, 2017


  I don't write much, OK I don't write at all. Not because I lack in anything more than the will and the desire needed to write. Honestly I have nothing of importance to say and no one to say it too. I am the biggest failure I know and have no desire for others to read about it. Here I sit at 40 years old, a wife, a bunch of kids, a dead end job and no prospect of a future beyond scraping out my continual existence. I used to have hopes and dreams, goals and some idea of a future. My life has become a continual cycle of rinse and repeat.

  This has caused me to become a bit antisocial, both in person and online due to my psychological issues from past trauma. I understand that though done to me against my will, I am still responsible for working through it. I am most saddened that people have been and are being hurt by me during the process. Not a day goes by that I wish my mind worked properly, not saying "normal" because you can't define "normal". I just don't want to hurt people, but I'm not in a place where I can have relationships of any type. What's the most scary is that I don't know if or when I can. This isn't a cry for attention or help just expressing what I feel inside.

  There's an old adage that says "God only helps those who help themselves." I really believe it's more along the lines of God helps those as much as they allow Him too. To be honest those of us who believe in a God usually don't trust God. We put on God our human insecurities of mistrust from our human relationships. It's either that or we just don't want to do it His way. Either way, for me, I have had to do things the hard way. I didn't get to go to intense inpatient therapy for my past abuse. I didn't get to go to rehab from my drug and alcohol abuse. I had to deal with everything while still trying to manage my way through life. It's been a long, hard, uphill challenge and it's felt very lonely. Not because I believe God hasn't helped me, I'd be a fool to not accept and give thanks for times I know He has. Rather I know that most of the time I have gone about it on my own or through my own way. So I won't say I've gotten to this point alone but I can say I could probably of gotten here a lot sooner had I accepted His help.

  Thus, here we are in this continual cycle that never ceases. It doesn't matter how hard I work, doesn't matter how many meetings I attend. I know that at some point the cycle will play itself out, sort of like a bad trip. Things run the same course but always come back around.