Another Week

First off let me start by saying this isn't for attention. I want to be able to share my struggles in life openly. I find that when I bottle them up inside they just make things worse.

Saturday I ran the 5k at the Riverfront, some saw my live stream. I ran well and placed 3rd overall and 1st Masters runner (40+). I got to enjoy that for about 30 minutes, after Mandy finished we concluded the course was short, by at least .05. To a lot of people this wouldn't matter, but when you run by the numbers and you believed you had a PR, its a lot. So my friend Matt and I ran some numbers and concluded I probably needed to add 20 seconds to my finishing time. I also spoke with the officials who concluded we were correct. 5K ruined!

I then slept terrible Saturday night as I had a ton of stimulants in my system from the 5k. Yet we woke up and made our way to the Riverfront again so that Mandy and I could do the Half Marathon. I ran with Mandy and really enjoyed most of the run. Somewhere around mile 6-8 Mandy started to lose steam and a lot of people started passing us. I know that it was her first Half back, I do and we know we have communication issues. So I really began to struggle with being passed and couldn't encourage Mandy to move any faster. History has shown if I try to push her it just makes things worse. So for the next 4-5 miles I suffered silently as we made our way to the finish.

Afterwards we did a few things around the house before going to bed. As I laid in bed, I could just feel the stress from the weekend start to creep in. The realization that regardless of the weekend my week was coming to an end and I was just going to have to start another. I put on some sleep music and tried to get to bed. I woke up around 5:30 this morning and laid there, that is when the first overwhelming feelings of hopelessness hit me. Shortly after that the first suicidal thoughts began to surface. I contemplated calling out of work and stay in bed. I got up though, ate breakfast and got started on getting out the door. I made it to work and here I am writing this.