Down time Reflection

  I know some of y'all will get this an some of y'all won't. I suffer from PTSD which I got from some very traumatic experiences. I won't go into great detail on here about it this isn't the forum for that. I will basically say that I do not process stress or anxiety the say way normal people do. I either shove it on the back burner or numb it out until it builds up and causes me to break down. Before I started cycling and then running I would use drugs and alcohol to cope. The more I biked and then ran the less I needed to use to deal. There is a balance though, if I'm not careful running can cause me to have a break down. Usually if I don't keep up on my diet, sleep and rest it can send me into fit. The same with doing to much mileage too soon or not taking time off between races.

  Most know we did the RNR San Diego Half Marathon which I didn't properly train for. Even though I wasn't even running my rape pace it took a bit of a toll on me. I knew that I should at least take a couple days to a week off. Two days later and I was back at it at my usual slow pace, which was way too fast. I began to see the signs of a break down coming on Friday but my wife and I handled it and we thought I got through it. Saturday when we went to the #RunEatTweetAZ ice cream run at the Fleet Feet Sports in Scottsdale. Everything was going well until the run started and I didn't have my watch which caused me some anxiety. I got the Strava app working on my phone and tore off in pursuit of Jones (Deion my son) By the time I caught him and the group they were about half a mile in and according to Jones watch we were running 7:15 a mile. We attempted to slow the pace but it just wasn't working in my favor. Deion actually was the first one to break and slowed down as his legs couldn't take the pace. I pushed on and even upped the pace into the finish, dropping into a sub 7 in the last quarter mile.

  We hung out for a bit at the ice cream run and socialized but I could tell the damage was done. I began to get very irritable and couldn't stand still. My mood began to shift and I felt very tired, I began to sink. I put on a front the best I could and tried to make it hop without snapping at anyone. I got in the house and started the slow spiral into depression and anger. The mood swings went on for a couple hours until I started yelling and screaming at anyone who talked to me. My anxiety got so bad I started having chest pains like a heart attack. The rest of the night was kind of back and forth very blurry in my memory. My neighbor asked if I was ok he was a little scared when he heard me screaming. I started to calm down and was exhausted.

  So I made a decision somewhere around 2am that I couldn't go to the trail run on Sunday at that I needed to take a break. So after a talk with Mandy we decided I would take a little hiatus until I started to feel better. In my downtime I thought about what I did wrong to get to that point and re-evaluated my goals for running. I am back to running after about 3 days off and my first run went well. I am starting a new training plan which I will get into in my next post. I will also be doing my first reviews of the new Altra shoes I am running in so stay tuned for that.